It’s been a hot minute, no? I did a Twitter poll about my next post, which was going to be about best late night snacks, but upon writing I realized I haven’t tried everything or enough of it to be able to have a good enough opinion on the matter. Soon though, promise!
In any case, I will say in the month since my last post life really has put me through the wringer. It’s been a mix of bad time management, unhealthy daily life habits, over-committing, ignoring obvious red flags… the list could go on. But I think the most disappointing part of this all is that I felt like a backseat passenger this whole time… and let it all happen.
“What’re you doing putting this all on the Internet? What if this bites you in the ass later? What will other people think?” is probably going through your mind as you read that awfully negative list. Well, this is a personal blog. This is for growth – plus I think reading other people’s reflections and thoughts also help to align yourself (this post was inspired by a classmate of mine’s post – check her out!).
It started shortly before posting the boba review. Some personal life stuff hit and then all I could do to cope was stay up and do homework, half being productive while half getting lost in thought…
Then I just decided eating wasn’t a priority. Ironic, I know, especially how it looks and sounds: me, an eater, deciding that eating wasn’t worth putting time toward… I know.
I was on a high of doing well on the assignments that mattered to me – blog posts for class, PR materials for class, articles for The Emerald – but I was falling asleep everywhere, I was hungry but suppressing the feeling and I was barely making deadlines. I felt like I couldn’t keep up (but as an aside, I have always felt behind so this last point is not so important).
I was also going almost entire days without eating, just nibbling on a granola bar here or a piece of candy there (I know – unhealthy) But at one point I was told I looked I lost weight. Oh god, that just left me in such a mental spiral. (To that person’s defense, they had and still have no idea it left me like that)
Anyway, something happened which left me even more mentally vulnerable triggered me to fall back into bad habits, so I swung to the other side of that scale… Suffice to say I feel whatever I may have “lost” in the last month has probably been put back on within days. That honestly left me in just a puddle of worthlessness.
This all seems humorously morbid to me, since I think if you didn’t know me well you could hardly guess my bumbling, too-loud, intensely aggressive and “go-getter” personality and attitude could be reduced to this sad sack buuut it did.
It took going to talk to a professional and being told “you’re not a machine” and being asked “is anything worth doing if you can’t even feel like yourself enough to do them, to enjoy them, pursue them?” which really shook me.
(Such obvious questions have to be asked to simpletons like me in order to really force reflection and change, okay…)
Thinking back, this pattern has always been kind of prevalent every term, to varying degrees of cracking. I thought long (perhaps too long) about this whole issue and realized I had been putting myself into this victim mentality, of allowing things to happen to me rather than making better, more concerted efforts to make things happen for myself.
This past weekend was spent reconnecting with friends, reorganizing my calendar and planner, confronting unhealthy behaviors, reading a lot of Buddhist quotes/reminders, forcing myself to remember why I like the things I do and constant reminders that I have to get my ass into gear in order to stop disassociating and being passive.
My mental health I think just really needed this weekend to work itself out. I feel a lot better about this all after putting myself together (a bit). I mean, I still feel behind and have low self-esteem, but… it’s the journey, not the destination. The little steps, not the giant milestones.
All I hope to really move forward with this is one, past the anxiousness I feel about posting this (who reads these, really – comment below if you do I dare you) and two, that I just grow and sustain the changes. I started this term so hopefully, so enthusiastic, yet here I am at pretty close to a mental rock bottom trying to make my way back up…
For an Emerald piece that’ll be released soon, I went to a Mexican food restaurant and did research and writing. Afterward, I walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror. This place wasn’t new to me – I’ve probably peered into this same mirror at least a half dozen times. But there was something different: I felt… peaceful. Myself.
I hope however you’re doing, you have a moment of peace, too. Thanks for riding this roller coaster of an update with me, I really appreciate it.